Narcissist Abuse – Chosen4Purpose

7 Ways to get revenge against a Narcissist

30/01/202330/01/2023chosen4purposeblog

What’s the best revenge against a narcissist? Well, let’s first of all look at the common behavioural traits of a narcissist:

The sense of entitlement, wanting to be recognized for accomplishments they didn’t achieve.
Control freak, not happy unless they are in control of someone or something.
Manipulation and deception to try and be on top or in charge or to get what they want.
Lack of accountability for wrong actions.
Exaggerating achievements in order to impress people.
Attention and admiration from people, especially people he respects and admires.
Grandiose sense of self importance (e.g exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements).
A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.

1.Now if we want to get revenge on a narcissist, just be every thing that they are not. They lack empathy, be compassionate. They are proud and self entitled, learn to practice humility. Being everything that they are not. Being kind, loving, appreciative, compassionate, caring etc.

Now the thing is, you’re not so much doing this to spite them but you’re practicing these attributes because that is what you should be doing as a Christian. As a Christian, you should not focus on revenge as the Bible says, ‘Vengeance is mine, says the Lord, I will repay.’ Our focus should be on being more Christ-like and being the best version of ourselves, and that includes being everything they are not.

2. Focus on yourself and not them. Narcissists are notorious for wanting attention, they can’t live without it. They are dependent upon other people to supply them validation and attention. You are not so dependent. It’s true we do need people as we are social beings, but our livelihood and whole life is not 100% dependent upon it like the narcissist. It’s very funny because they claim to be superior and yet they are dependent on other people! Make it make sense! Delusional human beings. Anyway, like I said, focus on you, your healing., your wholeness. If you need therapy, then go get it, counseling, then go get it, if you need prayers, deliverance etc. Whatever you need, go get it. You be in control of your own life and focus on becoming whole and well.

3. Learn to rediscover yourself, your life has been so intertwined with that of the narcissist you don’t know who you are anymore. You’ve been focused on doing what he wants, trying to please him etc. Focus on rediscovering what you like, what you desire, your goals, your future. Pursue your own interests, hobbies, the ones he made you give up, so you could spend more time on pleasing him (what a black hole that was!).

For a long time you’ve being doing what he wants you to do. Now you’re going to do what you want to do. Reconnect with your friends and family that he tried to isolate you from. Regain normality in your life.

4. Forgive them and pray for them. I know this is going to be difficult after all the things he has done to you. But the Bible is very clear, that we need to forgive, so that our Father in heaven will forgive us. The Bible also says in Matthew 5 ,“But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5: 44-48

5. The best revenge would be you, living your best life. You, living in joy, peace and stability. You, achieving your goals, one by one. You, understanding how valuable you truly are and living in that truth. God elevating and promoting you and all your needs and desires being met by Almighty God.

You, being all the things the narcissist wants and desires but cannot achieve. You, getting all the accolades, all the attention and admiration that the narcissist craves, from all the people he admires and holds respect for; You are now gaining their respect and admiration.

When you move into a season of blessings and growth, (trust me it will come, you didn’t go through this trauma for nothing) and the Lord begins to elevate and promote you. Your light begins to shine as the glory of the Lord is risen upon you (Isaiah 60:1) People from nowhere start to celebrate you.

Moving in the circles of the people he respects and admires, but he does not have access to those same circles of influence. The narcissist, seeing that other people value you and your input in their lives, even when he didn’t. When he went on a whole smear campaign to try and ruin your character and reputation and people threw it back in his face and were defending you and not believing him. And they see you excelling, they have a front row seat to see your success and they hate it because they feel that should be them. “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.” Psalms 23:5 NKJV.

Him, begging you to help him to be acknowledged by those same people. You are doing what you can to help as being around such people doesn’t really mean that much to you as it does to him.

6. Your family and friends now realizing that the narcissist was the problem all along, and people praising God for your life and thanking God that you were delivered from such evil.

7. You, being fit and healthy and his abuse no longer having any impact on your life. The narcissist realizing he no longer has control over your life, you have set boundaries, which are enforced. You, feeling sorry for the narcissist because you’re achieving more than he could ever dream possible. You, focused on achieving your goals with supernatural ease and sweat-less victory because of the favour of God upon your life. The Lord knows what you went through and just like Joseph in the Bible, he went through trauma and tribulations and God brought him through it, and turned it all around for him. He became a winner, and not a victim, because of the favour of the Lord upon him. That favour is upon you also; Isaiah 60:1 Arise, shine for your light has come and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you!

Why the Narcissist uses Gaslighting and How to Deal with it

30/01/201824/08/2019chosen4purposeblog

What is Gas lighting?
Gas lighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilise the target and delegitimise the target’s belief (wikipedia.org).

The term was taken from a 1944 film by the same name, about a woman whose husband manipulates her into believing that she is going insane. In the movie, the woman’s possessions would go missing and the husband would tell her she removed them, however she had no recollection of doing so, she would hear footsteps coming from upstairs and the gaslight dim and brighten but her husband would claim it was her imagination. He continued to gaslight her as his plan was to have her declared insane and committed to an asylum.

Gas lighting is a tactic that the narcissist and manipulative abusers use to cause you to question your sanity and reality, its also used to break down your will to fight and resist. You’re left doubting and questioning and wondering about your own perception of situations and circumstances. The narcissist purposely denies things they have done, and makes out like you are going crazy. He does this so convincingly, you almost begin to believe that you’re wrong, and he is right. It starts of little by little, one small thing here, another there. Gas lighting is designed to break you down mentally to the point where you cannot trust your own judgement or reasoning. You’re always confused and you’re always second guessing yourself (did I get it wrong…is he right…am I going crazy?). Gaslighting occurs in relationships, in the workplace etc.

Why do Narcissists do this and what are the effects?
Its all about control, just about everything the narcissist does is about controlling you. They want to control the way you think, the way you talk, who you associate with – your whole life. It’s a power trip for them. They want to fill you with shame and guilt.
They’re jealous of you, and hate all that is good about you and your character. Deep down inside they know there’s something wrong with them (they just don’t want to admit it)and they’re not willing to change and be better human beings. They know they can’t be like you so they want to break you down, make you crazy( “I can never be as good as you – so I will destroy you!”). They want to mess you up so that you’ll be of no use to anybody when they’ve finished with you.
Gas lighting is also a way of protecting themselves against feelings of shame which is what they try to avoid at all costs. They don’t want to carry the shame of being wrong so they want to project the fact that they are wrong on to you ( I’m not wrong, you are, I’ve not made a mistake, you have made a mistake).

Gaslighting destroys your self confidence, and self esteem, you’re always thinking everything’s your fault. You’re overly sensitive and anxious and people who are close to you will have noticed the change in you. Even you yourself will know that something is not right, but you won’t be able to identify what it is.

My Experience with Gaslighting
The Narcissist in my family would discuss some issue with me and decide a course of action, (of course he would not carry it out) then because he hadn’t done anything the following week, he would deny we ever had a discussion or came to any decision. He mostly does this to cover up his inaction. I’m left wondering whether we actually did decide or had the discussion.
I was accused of not doing things properly and generally made to feel like I was crap, it really affected my self confidence and self esteem, which I’m only just recovering from. The funny thing is , when he was left to do the same tasks, he was worse than I was. When I pointed this out to him, he claimed that he never insinuated that I was not good at my job, that it was my imagination or I was lying.
He would tell me some thing very personal about his childhood and then when in conversations with him, I would bring it up, he would adamantly claim he never told me that, it must be my imagination because that was definitely not true and he never told me anything like that. That was when I realised he was lying (I didn’t realise it was gaslighting at the time) because there is no way I would have imagined the details of his life like that. It’s just crazy and so devious how they behave, it just reveals how mentally messed up they are.

It got to the point where everything that went wrong in any situation, I was at fault. I was supposed to have done this or this and I would question whether we had a discussion about it, and he would give the time and place we discussed it. And I would have no idea what he was talking about! Sometimes he would go on a rant and say things like, ‘ do you think that you are good, well, you’re not because you did this or that”. He made me question myself, my character.
I didn’t realise all this until I read about gas lighting, then I realised I wasn’t going mad and that it was all him.

How to protect yourself from Gaslighting
Here are some tips to deal with and protect yourself from gaslighting:

Just understand and realise that it’s not about you at all. There is nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with them. They’re the ones who are mentally and emotionally unbalanced and they’re trying their best to mess you up too.
If you’re in a situation where you’re feeling confused or unsure about details of certain discussions/ events, or you have no recollection at all ( and you know you have a good memory) then you’re probably being gaslighted. Trust your intuition. Don’t accept what the other person is saying as absolute truth unless it can be proven.
If you’re in a relationship with the person, if it is a friend, you should consider cutting all ties with that person at least for your own peace of mind. You should really think about whether you want such a toxic person in your life- a person who makes you feel like you’re going crazy. If the person is your boss or co-workers you should also seriously consider whether you want to continue working in that environment, find out if you can transfer to another department or team.
If possible, try to keep a record of any private conversations in a diary . With the narcissist in my family, I make sure I record conversations with him on my phone, just for private use, of course(ideally you are required to inform a third party if you’re recording them) just so I can refer back to the conversation again if I’m in doubt.
Don’t argue with them, that’s what they love and you’ll never change their perspective. They are master manipulators, you’ll never win an argument with them. They live in their own little world where they are always right and everyone else is always wrong. Just get as far away from them as possible.